Parental Estrangement for a Reason: The Real Story Behind Adult Children Cutting Ties

Written by Stephanie Underwood, RSW

Why More Adults Are Going No Contact with Their Parents

I recently read an article written by a psychologist “specializing” in parental estrangement. This article really left me feeling a certain way as a mental health professional who works in trauma and sees the impacts on a daily basis. The article paints a heart-wrenching picture of parents who have been cut off by their adult children. The psychologist describes how these parents feel a profound sense of grief, loss, and bewilderment as they mourn relationships that have become nonexistent despite years of what they believe was unconditional love and dedication.

The author writes about the agony of feeling erased, as if all their love and care have been deemed worthless. The piece is undeniably moving, highlighting how estranged parents often feel blindsided and deeply wounded by the decision of their children to go no contact. The author frames this estrangement as a tragic, almost inexplicable loss, emphasizing how parents are left to carry a love with nowhere to land.

But here’s the thing: while I understand the pain of parental estrangement, it’s also important to face the reality behind why so many adults are making the difficult choice to go no contact with their parents. As someone who works closely with trauma survivors, I know firsthand that this decision is never made lightly.

It’s Not Just Happening Out of Nowhere:

When you read articles that focus solely on the grief of the parents without acknowledging why estrangement happens in the first place, it paints an incomplete and unfair picture. It ignores the fact that, in most cases, the parent’s inability or refusal to take accountability for their own harmful behaviour is what ultimately leads to estrangement.

Yes, there has been a significant increase in adult children choosing to cut their parents out of their lives. Studies show that a significant portion of adult children experience estrangement, with some figures citing 26% of young adults estranged from their fathers and 6% from their mothers. Other studies show even higher percentages, with some research indicating 27% of Americans over 18 are estranged from a family member. 

But let’s be clear: this choice is almost always the result of years—if not decades—of unresolved hurt, trauma, or harmful dynamics. It’s not something that adult children wake up and decide to do on a whim. Nor should it be a decision that is taken lightly.

Why Do Adult Children Go No Contact?

There are many reasons why adults feel compelled to distance themselves from their parents, but here are some of the most common:

1. Lack of Accountability

One of the primary reasons adult children go no contact is that their parents refuse to acknowledge or take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused. Whether it’s through gaslighting, minimizing, or outright denial, the refusal to validate their child’s pain and emotions creates an insurmountable barrier.

2. Toxic and Abusive Behaviour

Let’s not dance around it—many adult children cut ties because their parents were abusive or emotionally neglectful. Whether it’s physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, these wounds don’t just disappear because the child grows up. When parents refuse to acknowledge or change these harmful patterns, distance becomes a form of self-preservation.

3. Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma

Some adult children realize that maintaining contact perpetuates cycles of trauma and dysfunction. In order to heal, they need to break free from relationships that keep them stuck in harmful patterns. Going no contact can be a way of reclaiming autonomy and choosing a healthier path.

4. Boundary Violations

Sometimes parents continue to cross boundaries despite being told repeatedly that their behavior is hurtful. Whether it’s constant criticism, manipulation, or intrusive behaviors, a lack of respect for boundaries leaves the child feeling powerless and emotionally unsafe.

5. Emotional Exhaustion

Maintaining a relationship with someone who consistently refuses to change or acknowledge their impact can be emotionally draining. Eventually, adult children may decide that the cost of maintaining the relationship outweighs the benefits, especially if their mental health suffers as a result.

Why Does the Narrative Focus on the Parent’s Pain?

It’s interesting how much of the discourse around estrangement focuses on the parent’s grief rather than the child’s reasons for making this choice. It often centers on the parent feeling abandoned and unloved, without considering how the child may have felt for years—unheard, unseen, and unsupported.

Estrangement is not a punishment or a form of retaliation; it’s often an act of survival and self-protection. Parents who are willing to genuinely reflect on their own actions and acknowledge their part in the breakdown of the relationship are far more likely to eventually reconcile. But when accountability is off the table, the relationship becomes a one-way street, and the child is left bearing the weight of the parent’s unhealed wounds.

Final Thoughts on Parental Estrangement

It’s not that adult children want to hurt their parents. Quite the opposite—many agonize over the decision for years before finally choosing to go no contact. They don’t do it out of spite, but because they’ve exhausted every other option and can no longer tolerate being hurt.

If you’re a parent reading this and feeling angry, confused, or betrayed, take a moment to consider that your child didn’t make this choice lightly. They may have felt like they had no other option. Healing these rifts requires honest self-reflection, empathy, and a willingness to change—because without that, the cycle just continues.

Going no contact is not about erasing a parent—it’s about protecting oneself when reconciliation seems impossible.