Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style

Part one of a three-part mini series on the Avoidant Attachment Style by Stephanie Underwood RSW.

KEY POINTS

• An avoidant attachment style is formed when a child's primary caregiver is consistently unresponsive or emotionally neglectful.

• Some characteristics of avoidant attachment include a fear of emotional and physical intimacy, a fear of commitment, a tendency to withdraw, and a strong desire for independence.

• Deactivating strategies are behaviours or tactics often employed by individuals with avoidant attachment styles to distance themselves emotionally from their partners.

• Avoidants may seek "space" following conflict to protect themselves from these perceived threats and regain control over their emotions.

• Communication, awareness, and patience as ways to navigate a relationship with an avoidant partner.

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Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style

If you've ever experienced a partner who seemed to pull away just as you grew closer or experienced a sudden breakup that left you with a whirlwind of questions and insecurities - you might have encountered a person with an avoidant attachment style.

There are four attachment styles; Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. However, the Avoidant Attachment is the one that gets the most heat online because people with an Avoidant Attachment are more likely to end relationships prematurely to protect themselves from getting hurt.

In this first part of a three part mini series on the Avoidant Attachment Style, we’re exploring its roots, it’s characteristics, and its manifestation in relationships. We'll discuss what deactivating strategies are and how these are employed by the avoidant attachment. We will explore why individuals with this attachment style often seek 'space' during conflicts and how their behaviours can leave their partners perplexed and emotionally distressed.

Overview of Adult Attachment Styles

Let's begin with a brief overview of what adult attachment styles are. Attachment Theory was originally proposed by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, these attachment styles are formed in childhood and often continue into adulthood, influencing our romantic relationships, friendships, and even how we parent our children.

Adult attachment styles are simply a coping mechanism learnt in childhood based on how our parents were able to meet our physical and emotional needs. Our Attachment Style is how we self-regulate our different emotional states. Self regulation is the ability to manage our stress and difficult emotions that we all have to face at times. Someone with good self-regulation skills, which would indicate someone with a secure attachment style, might experience a difficult emotion such as grief, anger, sadness, or anxiety but despite feeling the horrible pain, they are able to sit with the pain without panicking, lashing out, or using unhealthy ways to calm down such as turning to drugs. Someone with a more secure attachment is able to sit with themselves alone to calm their nervous systems down, but they have the ability to reach out to a friend or relative when they need that extra support.

For someone with an Avoidant Attachment style, asking for help can feel challenging. This struggle often stems from childhood experiences where emotional support was absent or inconsistent. Growing up in an environment where support wasn’t readily available can condition us to believe that seeking help is either unnecessary or futile. As a result, we become accustomed to relying solely on ourselves because it feels safer than risking vulnerability.

Imagine learning to ride a bike as a child and continuing to ride it that way for years, only to be told as an adult that you’ve been riding it incorrectly all along. This realization can feel disorienting and frustrating – much like discovering that the self-reliance you’ve depended on for so long is rooted in a pattern formed out of necessity rather than choice. Unlearning these patterns and relearning how to seek and accept support can feel just as daunting as relearning how to ride that bike, but it’s an essential step toward building healthier relationships.

There are Four Main Attachment Styles

The Secure Attachment Style

Individuals with a secure attachment style generally have positive views of themselves and their relationships. They feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy and are usually resilient and effective in dealing with stress and adversity. This is because they’re physical and emotional needs throughout childhood were consistently met. They grew up in a home where they felt safe to turn to their parents or primary caregivers when they needed emotional support, and the parent was able to provide them with listening and a non-judgemental space for the child to express themselves.

The Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Style

These individuals often strongly desire intimacy but worry about their partner's reciprocation ability. They may have a negative view of themselves and can be overly dependent on their relationships for their self-esteem. The Anxious Attachment is someone who grew up on home with parents who may have been “hot and cold” in their mood and behaviours. When the parents was “cold”, they unconsciously made the child feel like they were the one who had cause their parent to be in a bad mood, and so they felt strongly that they were the one who needed to fix it by doing what they thought the parent would like for them to do. And this is where the “people-pleasing” aspect of the Anxious Attachment first came to be.

People with an Anxious Attachment tend to have a strong negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. (“It’s my fault, I did something wrong so I’m the problem, not the other person).

The Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

A person with this attachment style often have a positive view of themselves but a more negative pinion of others. They may avoid close relationships, and see themselves as independent and self-sufficient. The high opinion of themselves stems from learning to rely on solely themselves throughout their lives (I can trust myself to be there for me, but I can’t trust anyone else to be there for me because they never have).

The Fearful-avoidant Attachment Style

Also known as disorganized attachment, these individuals have a negative view of themselves and others. They desire close relationships but may struggle with trusting others and fear being hurt. Essentially, this attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant attachments. Depending on the situation, the individual with this attachment style will either become anxious or avoidant.

The Avoidant Attachment Style in Childhood

An avoidant attachment style is formed when a child's primary caregiver is consistently unresponsive or neglectful (either physical, emotionally, or both).

The lack of emotional support can cause the child to learn that their emotional needs will not be met, leading them to become self-reliant and independent. As adults, individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid close emotional connections, seeing intimacy as a threat to their independence. Intimacy is seen as unfamiliar for the Avoidant’s brain, and we know that the brain tends to move towards what is familiar to us as a means for survival.

Common Traits of the Avoidant Attachment Style

Some common traits of adults with an avoidant attachment style include:

• Difficulty with emotional intimacy and Physical intimacy: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid sharing their emotions with others, even in close relationships. They may feel uncomfortable with displays of affection or struggle with expressing their feelings because they their parents never allowed them to express themselves fully.

• Fear of Commitment: Avoidant individuals may struggle with committing to long-term-relationships, which requires vulnerability and emotional investment. They may become afraid of feeling “trapped” in the relationship.

• A tendency to withdraw: When faced with conflict or emotional stress, avoidant individuals may withdraw and shut down emotionally. They may also struggle with effectively communicating their needs and emotions to their partner. The best example of why this is the idea of the parent telling their child to go to their “bedroom” to think about what they did wrong as a form of punishment”.

• A strong desire for independence: Avoidant individuals highly value their independence and autonomy, often preferring to rely solely on themselves rather than seeking support from others. Once again, this stems from them growing up in a home where they were left on their own, whether this be physical, emotional, or both.

The Avoidant Attachment and Relationships

In a relationship, an avoidant attachment style can manifest in several ways. For example, an avoidant partner may seem distant or emotionally detached, avoiding conversations about their emotions or feelings. They may also hesitate to share their thoughts or feelings, even during intimate moments.

If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner, it is essential to understand that their behaviour does not reflect your worth or value as a partner. To have a fulfilling relationship with an avoidant partner, creating a safe and secure environment is crucial where they feel comfortable sharing their emotions. It's equally important for you to feel respected in the relationship and that your partner also meets your needs.

Deactivating Strategies

Deactivating strategies are a coping mechanism employed specifically by the avoidant attachment. Coping mechanisms are the methods a person uses to deal with stressful situations, problems, or difficult emotions. They're the tools and strategies that help us navigate our daily lives and deal with the physical, mental, and emotional challenges we encounter.

In the context of avoidant attachment, deactivating is a strategy that serves to deactivate or downplay the attachment system, helping the person maintain emotional distance and a sense of independence in their relationships. These strategies are typically subconscious, automatic responses activated when the person perceives a threat to their independence or feels overwhelmed by emotional intimacy.

Deactivating strategies can take many forms, including:

1. Withdrawal: The individual may physically remove themselves from situations where they feel too much emotional closeness or intensity, like arguments or emotionally-charged conversations.

2. Suppression of feelings: They might downplay or ignore their feelings, particularly those related to attachment or intimacy.

3. Focus on imperfections: The individual might focus on their partner's flaws or shortcomings as a way to decrease their own feelings of intimacy or connection and as a way to confirm their need for independence.

4. Avoidance of commitment: They might avoid or be hesitant about making long-term commitments or plans in the relationship.

5. Rejection of help or support: The individual might refuse assistance or support from their partner, preferring to handle things independently.

It's important to note that these deactivating strategies are not intended to harm or manipulate the other person. Unless the Avoidant partner has worked on developing their self-awareness, these deactivating strategies are unconscious. These strategies serve as protective mechanisms to maintain emotional distance and cope with deep-seated intimacy and dependence fears. However, while these strategies may provide temporary relief for the avoidant individual, they often contribute to relationship distress and dissatisfaction for both partners.

Avoidant Behaviour in Relationships

When a conflict arises in a relationship, emotions run high and the demand for emotional closeness and communication increases. This situation can be overwhelming for avoidant individuals and trigger their negative core beliefs of feeling like they are not good enough. In response, they may instinctively seek "space" to protect themselves from these perceived threats, exactly as they used to do when they were a child sitting alone in their bedroom processing their emotions on their own. This need for space is not about punishing their partner or avoiding resolution but rather a self-protective measure they've learned to rely on. The Avoidant’s need for space has absolutely nothing to do with you, it’s how they self-regulate their emotions .

Navigating a Relationship with an Avoidant Partner

Understanding the traits of an avoidant attachment style and learning effective communication strategies can help partners navigate a relationship with an avoidant partner and create a fulfilling and meaningful connection.

Here are some tips to help you navigate a relationship with an avoidant partner:

1. Patience: Building trust and emotional intimacy with an avoidant partner may take time. Allow them to open up at their own pace, and avoid pressuring them to share their emotions before they feel ready.

   
   

2. Communicate effectively: Avoidant individuals may struggle to communicate their emotions or needs effectively. Encourage open communication by actively listening and validating their emotions.

   
   

3. Respect their need for independence: Avoidant individuals highly value their independence, so respecting their boundaries and avoiding being too demanding is essential. However, it is important not to enable the avoidance of the avoidant, and ensure that their need for space does not negatively impact the relationship (more on this in the next blog post).

   
   

4. Practice self-care: Being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can be challenging, so it is crucial to prioritize your own self-care needs. This may involve seeking support from a therapist or engaging in self-care activities that help you manage your emotions. Get emotional support for yourself outside of the relationships - through friends or family members.

   
   

5. Understand that your partner withdrawing has nothing to do with you.

   
   

Conclusion

Understanding the unique challenges that individuals with avoidant attachment styles face in the early stages of dating can provide insights into how to navigate these obstacles and work towards building a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

In the next part of this mini-series on Avoidant Attachment, we’ll take a deeper dive into the triggers that individuals with an Avoidant Attachment style experience in their relationships – and not just in romantic ones. Attachment styles influence all types of relationships, including those with friends, family, colleagues, and supervisors.

We’ll also explore the dynamic between Avoidant and Anxious Attachment styles, and discuss practical strategies for Anxiously attached partners to navigate relationships with someone who has an Avoidant Attachment. Stay tuned for insights on how to better understand and manage these interactions.